life's so bitter-sweet
I know I said I wanted to start over, but now I'm not so sure. Everything will be so different and I'm not sure I'm ready for that big of a change in my life. I signed up for classes this weekend and realized that I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm basing the rest of my life around something that I know absolutely nothing about. Is that really smart? I've never taken a chemistry class in my life and that's my first class of the semester. Then, on top of that, I've got three animal sciences courses which, from my understanding of my advisor, will take up 3/4 of my time at college. She explained to me that the equine science major that I've chosen allows for absolutely no slacking or procrastination. It is the most astringent major in the ag department. This could be bad for me, seeing as how I have no experience with horses, nor have I taken a single ag class in high school. The only class I have first semester that I have even the slightest confidence about is compI. That's not good. But then I was looking at my expected classes for the next three years and I don't think it will be near as bad as my freshman year. After freshman year I'm completely done with all math classes and chemistry is over. Then I just have simple core classes and I get more in-depth with my equine studies. I was reading descriptions of my animal science courses for my junior and senior year and they all seem really interesting. So maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll make it through. Now my only concern is finding my way around campus. I have to admit, I'm completely lost when it comes to walking around that damn campus. I've located the Ag building and my dorms. That's it. I guess I'll just have to have Lee or Kristen or somebody walk with me before classes start so I can get used to it all....I'm both terrified and excited. It doesn't feel too good.........
So I had this dream last night. It was a little weird and slightly unbelievable. I ran into Ace outside my house. He ignored my presence (as he typically does), so I smiled and said "Hey! How've you been?" a little too loudly and obnoxiously. To my surprise, he willingly answered. He proceeded to tell me how terrible he'd been since we broke up (he didn't use the words, "since we broke up", but you get the gist). From what I remember, he'd been excruciatingly sick, had a flat tire, had done terrible in his sports, and - for some unknown reason - I recall the color blue surrounding him and every word that came out of his mouth. So there's my proof that I dream in color. Anyway...when I woke up I was really content. It's kind of rejuvinating knowing that I don't need him. I like being able to see him now and not want him - his touch, his company. I knew he would only love me for as long as he wanted. I knew it would never last, but for some reason it still killed me when it ended. But I guess that's what happens when you fall in love with somebody; nothing else matters. When they leave you, your whole world seems to stop while everyone else's, including his, keeps turning. And because I'd allowed my world to stop turning, it took me a while to catch up with everyone else. But I'm here now. To tell you the truth, I think I've surpassed everyone else. Sometimes I hate that, but at other times it's great. I'm not rushed. I can relax. I can breathe. That's something I haven't been able to do in too long. I never thought breathing would be something I could forget how to do? --- In addition to being over Ace (except for the tiny fact that I still feel the smallest sting of jealousy when I see him flirting with Alicia. I'm learning to ignore that) I'm actually getting in better shape. It's not that I was fat before or anything, I just wasn't what I wanted to be. But I'm getting there now. I don't go home and chow down on empty foods filled with sugar, salt, and unbelievable amounts of fat (that sounded a little redundant, didn't it? "empty foods filled"..hmm). Instead I eat only until I'm full and typically only down all that healthy crap that's supposed to be good for your body. And I exercise like crazy. It drives me nuts sometimes, the way I push myself into running every morning and then again after school, but it's good for me so I keep doing it. And plus, Ace never believed I would do it, so that gives me a ton of motivation. And it's paying off, because I'm much happier and in a lot better shape than I was. Hell, I can run/jog two miles now without stopping! Is that sad that I see that as an accomplishment?? Anyway, now all I need to do is start going to church...
There are so many things that I have to do. I've been broken for so long. Nothing mattered to me but simplistic people and immature situations. I'm breaking that habbit. I'm 18 years old. So here I am, starting over.
I had this dream last night that I was graduating high school (finally). I was completely and totally unprepared for my salutatorian speech. All I could do was cry and beg my friends to fix it all for me. Being the caring people that they are, they did. They wrote my speech for me. And when I woke up, I realized this is all I ever do; I rely on my friends to fix all my problems. It's unhealthy. If I keep this up, what am I going to do next year? Kristine will be a million miles away and Ryann won't be around enough to care. They can't fix everything for me. So I guess I need to start doing things for myself. ---
On top of my being completely unprepared in this dream, my immature arrogant self-obsorbed ex-boyfriend again presented to me his ravishing face. He's been in all my dreams since the day he dumped me, and it needs stop. Now. I'm so fine without him in my life, but his memory just won't leave me alone. I don't need any sort of "lover" right now. I'm doing perfectly fine on my own. I'm content. So this is the next thing I'm working on eliminating from my life. ---
I need a job. Cheerleading is over, I'm not playing softball, track is out of the question, and Gary recently sold-out. I'm out of things to do. Currently I'm spending a majority of my spare time exercising - I run, jog, lift, and strain my body over ridiculous work-out videos. But I can't exercise all the time. So when I'm not sweating off the calories, I'm willing myself not to consume an ungodly amount of baked goods that mysteriously made their way into my house, which by the way is the cleanest house in town. I'm getting damn good at being responsible enough to clean up after myself and everyone else that is too lazy to make their own bed or start a load of laundry. So there you have it; I need a job. I'm going to apply at IP for the summer and see what happens from there. ---
Lastly, I need to relax. It seems the only way I can do that is through music and writing. Seeing as how my piano has been confiscated and my patience with guitar is dwindling, I'm stuck writing and listening to artists such as Kelly Clarkson, LeAnn Rhimes, Carrie Underwood, Willie Nelson, Nickelback, George Straight, Metallica, and Lynyrd Skynyrd. My preference as of late has been Kelly Clarkson. I'm currently stuck on "Since U Been Gone" seeing as how I'm feeling rejuvinated at the thought of ridding myself of Ace. Asshole. Acehole, as he's better known. He's just another bridge I need to burn...